Q: What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of 4.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a mutual fund?
A: The mutual fund will eventually mature and start making money.

Q: How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a harmonica solo and brain surgery?
A: You get an anesthetic for brain surgery.

Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backward?
A: New Age Music.

Music Definitions

ACCIDENTALS	- The wrong notes.
AUDITION	- The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
ACCELERANDO	- What happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat.
CONDUCTOR	an ignorable figure capable of following numerous individuals at once.
CUT TIME	- When you suddenly realize that everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
CRESCENDO	- A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loud.
CYMBALS	- Percussion instrument to be dropped while the band plays pianissimo.
FERMATA	- A chance for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to make his wind players pass out.
GLISSANDO	- The way string players play difficult runs.
KEY CHANGE	- A change in the main pitch or "tonal center" which takes full effect three to five bars after it is noted in the music.
PAGE TURN	- A good way to avoid playing the hard parts.
PRACTICE	- Don't worry about it.  Musicians never do it anyway.
RALLENTANDO	- What never seems to happen during the technical passages.
RITARD	- The idiot behind the stick.
TEMPO CHANGE	- Signal for the musicians to ignore the conductor.
UNISON	- See "minor second".
VIBRATO	- A way for musicians to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country and Western Musicians and Their Translated "Country" Definitions

DIMINISHED FIFTH	- an empty bottle of Jack Daniels
ORDER OF SHARPS	- what a wimp gets at a bar
MAJOR SCALE	- what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain, "Damn! That was a major scale!"
PERFECT FIFTH	- a full bottle of Jack Daniels
RITARD	- there's one in every family
RELATIVE MAJOR	- an uncle in the marine corps
RELATIVE MINOR	- a girlfriend
BIG BAND	- when the bar pays enough to bring in two banjo players
PIANISSIMO	- "refill this beer bottle"
REPEAT	- what they do until they just expel you
TREBLE	- women ain't nothin' but
BASS	- the things you run aroun in softball
PORTAMENTO	- a foreign country you always wanted to see
CONDUCTOR	- the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
ARPEGGIO	- "ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose?"
TEMPO	- good choice for a used car
A 440	- the highway that runs around Nashville
TRANSPOSITIONS	- men who wear dresses
CUT TIME	- parole
PASSING TONE	- frequently heard near the baked beans at barbeques
MIDDLE C	- the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
PERFECT PITCH	- the smooth coating on a freshly paved road
TUBA	- a compound word: "hey, woman!  Fetch me another tuba Bryl Cream"
CADENZA	- that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
WHOLE NOTE	- what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
CLEF	- what you try never to fall off of
BASS CLEF	- where you wind up if you do fall off
ALTOS	- not to be confused with "Tom's toes", "Bubba's toes", or "Do-ri-toes"
MINOR THIRD	- your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
MELODIC MINOR	- Loretta Lynn's singing son
12-TONE SCALE	- the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer with
QUARTER TONE	- what most standard pickups can haul
SONATA	- what you get with a bad cold or hay fever
CLARINET	- name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
CELLO	- the proper way to answer the phone
BASSOON	- typical response when asked what you hoped to catch
FRENCH HORN	- your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 am
CYMBAL	- what they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in you pistol with
BOSSA NOVA	- the car your forman drives
TIME SIGNATURE	- what you need from you boss if you forget to clock in
FIRST INVERSION	- grandpa's battle group at Normandy
STACCATO	- how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
AEOLIA: MODE	- how you like Ma's apple pie
BACH CHORALE	- the place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Trumpet Jokes

These are fines for illegal trumpet actions imposed by the International Trumpet Guild:

Musical Offenses

Lead Players

Non-Lead Players

Equipment Violations

Criminal Bad Taste

Basic Stupidity

Drum Jokes

Q: How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking gets faster and faster.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower and slower.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.

Q: How many drumers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to do it and 9 to stand there and say, "Yeah, I can do that."

Q: How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
A: Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks.
After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"

New category: Musical Oxymorons. For example

Snare Drum Music
Professional Drummer

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.

"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".

The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!

Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.

He the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."

SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."

SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."

SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."

SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.

Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when hed the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.

"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"

Viola/Violin Jokes

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
       Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
       Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
           1.The viola burns longer.
           2.The viola holds more beer.
           3.You can tune the violin.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
       It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
       Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
       Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
       The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?
       Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
       You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
       No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?
       Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
       Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
       They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
       The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
       Vibrato.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
       It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
       The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented?
       Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
       They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
       By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
       Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
           1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
           2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?
       Because no one will look for them.

Why do violists smile when they play?
       Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
       Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
       Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
           1. Sit in the back and don't play.
           2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
           1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
           2. Who cares?

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
       The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
       They both screw up bowings (Boeings).

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
       Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
       Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola?
       A: far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
       They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violas so large?
       It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
       If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?
       A viola section playing on the C string.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
       All those positions!

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
       The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
       You could fit in at least one more.

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
       None. They're not small enough to fit.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
       They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
           1. half a measure
           2. a semi-tone

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
       Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
       The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
       Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
       Because he can't lean back in his chair.

What instrument do violists envy most?
       The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato onstrings.

What's another name for viola auditions?
       Scratch lottery.

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
           1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
           2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
       Both are paid to fake climaxes.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
           1.Shoot 11 of them.
           2.Shoot all of them.
           3.Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
       Drive-by viola recitals.

How does a violist's brain cell die?
       Alone.

How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
       Pregnant.

Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
       Because alcohol has swelled them.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
       Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
       Neither has played together since 1970.

What is the longest viola joke?
       Harold in Italy

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
       Vegetable soup.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
       Neither did I.

What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
       Hold the viola from memory.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
       Upward mobility.

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
       Divide the metronome marking by 2.

Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
       Because deep down they are all very nice people.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
       Take your foot off his head.

Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
       Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
       First position, emergency, and defeat.)

Bag Pipes

HISTORY OF THE PIPES

The bagpipes were invented by the ancient Greeks. On one of the many raids for wine, gold, and Yanni CDs, the Celts stole the bagpipes. The pipes travelled across Europe, and, with the Celtic abandonment of those areas corrupted by the Romans, finally made their way to Scotland. In a very shrewd deal indeed, the Scots traded the secret of the pipes to the Irish in exchange for whisky. The Irish will eventually sober up and catch on to the joke.

The pipes are actually a weapon of war, with two methods of usage: Method number one: Take several hundred pipes, and tune in unison. You will get a resonance capable of shat-tering castle walls.

Method number two: Take several hun-dred bagpipes, and tune to personal taste, or lack thereof, and you get a subsonic discordant shriek that sends humans or Englishman running screaming while trying to claw their faces off.

Both of these methods were employed at the battle of Jericho in 1397 B.C. First use of sonic weapons combined with psychological warfare. A performance that truly brought the house down. (Trumpets weren't really used. Joshua recorded the deed as involving trumpets to keep the technique secret.)

Pipes are still valid as a weapon. I recall the time at a science fiction convention where the hotel was being most annoying, and a young man in the elevator announce, "Boy, I'm angry. I'm going home to get my bagpipes."

"Oh, you play the pipes?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "But I own pipes."

Shudder.

And there's an Irish friend of mine who says he's been unable to find a market for, "Fugue in C#SusMin7 for Accordion, Saxophone, and Bagpipe."

One wonders.

The aforementioned Irish not only are convinced the pipes are a musical instrument, they added a bellows arrangement to inflate the bag rather than blowing into them. We Scots find this most amusing, considering how much hot air the Irish possess.

Q: What's the difference between a piper and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: Define a "gentleman."
A: Someone who knows how to play the pipes but refrains from doing so.

Q: What do you call a bus loaded with pipers, except for one empty seat, going off a cliff?
A: A waste of a damned good seat.

Q: Why do pipers march while they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's the difference between a skunk and a bagpiper?
A: There's skid marks in front of a skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a skunk and a bagpiper?
A: The skunk is more likely to get a gig.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A: You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q: Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it.

Q: Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
A: ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''

Q: What's one thing you never hear people say?
A: Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.

Q: Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q: How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A: You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q: Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
A: ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''

Q: Why do they call it a ``kilt''?
A: Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

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